I decided in my ambition to help people with mental health problems, a blog was a good place to start. People may wonder why i've suddenly acquired this bee in my bonnet and unsurprisingly its because I now know how it feels. It's going to take a lot for me to post this to my peers as so many people have no clue how messed up I spent 2013.
To put it into perspective, on my leavers day, the last day of school, the day of drunken madness and stupid pranks, the day to enjoy with my school friends - I began taken antidepressants. At long last I gave in to everything in my head and had to get help from somewhere. I couldn't drink, or really have any fun. I can honestly say I don't look back and have fond memories of that day like everyone else. The day that is supposed to be freedom from school and you begin your life as the person you want to be...yeah well I was the furthest from that I have ever been.
Have you ever sat and watched everyone around you laughing and joking and so oblivious to the fact that you are pretty much ready to remove your existence from earth? It may sound cliche but everything's slow around you, everyone's life seems so perfect and you just feel like the joke in the corner. So weak and defenceless like a parasite in your brain you just want gone but you can't because you kind of have no control anymore? Its hard to explain unless you know, but I'm trying my best.
Most people look in the mirror and dislike what they see, but imagine that everyday, all you want do is just beat yourself down, literally, physically, you just want someone to slap sense into you and tell you to stop eating you fat bitch or make more effort with your appearance you ugly prick. But the thing is, you're 8 stone, physically speaking you aren't fat, you are actually far from? My clothes were too big, I obsessed over what I ate and although everyone took the micky out of me for 'no carbs after 3' right there and then, it was taking over my mind. To be better was to be skinner, to be skinner was to be wanted and accepted by everyone around me? If I could be that why should I be here?
I would lay in bed all day crying hysterically for what I look back now and see as no reason whatsoever. I wouldnt be able to last a full night out in town because i'd have a panic attack or break down crying because I just couldn't take being here anymore. When you get to that point, life seems pretty shit. Like it isnt ever going to get better, I couldn't enjoy spending time with my friends, my brain was on overtime, obsessing over situations I convinced myself were real, paranoia that was uncontrollable and utterly ridiculous.
I would always joke that I was crazy or mad, but now from retrospect I see I really was being far from myself . My friends couldn't fully understand because even when I eventually opened up to them it didn't make sense. I had done such a good job of pretending I was okay that it didn't seem real to everyone else. I was physically exhausted and emotionally drained from smiling all day at everyone and telling them how happy I was and contented with everything I had going on. When really I'd go home, sit in my room and contemplate whether clearing out the various drug packets i'd been prescribed would finally kill me and I could be happy again.
A really messed up logic but to me it made sense, if I wasnt here where I was unhappy, I could be somehwere else and be happy. But I wouldnt be somewhere else, i'd be in the ground dead and buried.
Trying to convey mental health problems is hard, people think its attention seeking. I know people believe I'm a hard faced, stuck up bitch, who thinks so much of herself, some crazy bitch who moans on twitter. Or at least that was what I was last year, but to be quite honest I am the total opposite. I am a total mess, who still wishes I could be anything but myself, but that just part of the process of getting back to normality. I think so little of myself it's unreal, people who are close to me will know this. Others of you just judge. I used to look at people and think god you're weak, you're a mess, pull yourself together. And quite honestly in all that time, I was wrong. Everyone needs help, everyone needs someone to talk to and really and truly depression isn't even 1% of the mental health issues people suffer with. I'm not saying that everyone should now be a superhero and help every person they can but every single one of you can help someone. Just by talking to them or making them feel better about themselves. Even opening up to them about your problems.
It's time to talk and time to change how we see all these issues in our world.
And for those of you who are suffering, I promise you, it does get better. Everyday gets easier and better, slowly but surely you start to become a better shade of the person you once were. I can hoenstly say I am now a better person for the things I went through. This blog is just a snapshot of it all. But I feel its time to open up about it, I am proud of how far I have come and what its done to me. Its time to start living life as the young adult that I am and make a difference to other peoples lives.
These are my own feelings and interpretations of my feelings and are no projection onto anyone else. I am not intending to generalise or to hurt anyone's feelings. Please do not take negativity from my words or my own feelings and experiences.
Over and Out x
