Recently I seem to start writing and end up with nothing but rabble. I write a paragraph draft it and later delete it. I guess it's writer's block. I thought I would take the time to look over the past year, it's been both the best and worst year in so many ways.
I wrote about 2013 in march, by comparison, 2014 is without doubt the best year I have had for some time but it has not been without plenty of sorrow, as I'm sure everyone knows you cannot have good without bad. In terms of this blog and what its about, 2014 started a little rocky. I still was waiting for therapy, I was playing with my anti-depressants and although things were picking up they still weren't great as a whole, I still woke up wishing I hadn't sometimes. However I have been extremely fortunate in having a supportive family and incredible boyfriend to bring that to light and banish it, for now. In January I was pretty lonely as it stands, I actually spent 6 weeks wallowing in self pity post appendix removal. Again another not so great part of the year, although at the time it seemed like a little breakthrough to finally have them gone. Oh how I am wrong now.
February brought about my full time employment as a care assistant, my first proper job and the job that has in part led me to be sat here right now - my freezing box in Cambridge. I first realised I wanted to be more than what I was, I realised there was so much more to achieve, I guess it was a cliche light at the end of a tunnel. Things as a whole started to get better, I was earning money at last, I was out of the house and focused on something new. In retrospect perhaps a month that was a turning point in my life.
As for March, I embarked on this. I began to write about my problems and let people know exactly what was going on for me. I let people into my world through writing and I made my best friends and my family incredibly proud - something I will never cease to forget. I was starting to feel comfortable in my unhappy skin and starting to think I could take my demons head on, that I did not need tablets or help, I felt kind of invincible after my first post on here. I soon came tumbling back down. When in April, I hit a blip, just a slight iceberg. I remember even now, telling mike mid-tantrum that I couldn't bare to live any more. I was so unhappy again.
May followed Aprils suit, things began to fall apart a little. I know from plenty of pictures and old posts that in May I nearly lost my grandma and Shep. They were both so poorly and I remember thinking how unfair life was to constantly throw bad things at you, how is it fair that when you are trying to pick yourself back up, life throws so many obstacles at you. However by this point I had also applied to university to embark on my career as a Mental Health Nurse. By the end of the month although appalled by the standard of care in my Grandmother's home, she was still with us and similarly for Shep.
June was sort of a tumble-weed month. I was readily waiting the conformation of my best friend's flight home from aus after a whole year without her, working my butt off for money, booking my first holiday with Mike and being accepted into university. It was a month of waiting for good things to happen after a slow start.
The next few months were to be extremely emotional. July saw the return of my best friend. I cannot put into words how hard it is to live without someone you turn to for so much. Someone who is such a part of your life but you can barely see them. Saying that, right now it is pretty similar! I have never been so happy to see someone's face as hers when she walked through those airport doors. A whole year without her there was so incredibly hard, but to see her shocked little face was 1000% worth it. In July I got my best friend back. As well as going on my first holiday with Mike, it was a really incredible month.
As for August, things started to come back down to earth again. The six weeks following August, all in all were probably the hardest weeks of the year, despite everything that it began as. I may say it a lot, but saying goodbye to pets is the hardest thing i've personally had to do, I can;t put into words how much you miss them. And saying goodbye to them all in such a short space of time was like watching someone rip your own heart out and stamp on it. Still to this day I can never let go of all 3 of them. Having them from such a young age meant they had so much impact on my growing up, and ultimately their passing signified time for me to grow up. As I write this I can't help but sob that they are gone, no amount of videos or pictures will ever be the same as them.
September was a month of change, I still had my lone ranger and was preparing for university. I had finished work and was spending time with friends and family before moving to Cambridge. Something in itself that as a concept was incredible to me. As someone who cannot even sleep somewhere new or somewhere that is not my own bed without panicking, the idea of a whole move was exciting but so terrifying. And four days before my departure from our sleepy village, I lost my final girl. From the 19th September 2014 I was officially a student studying Mental Health Nursing and living in Cambridge. Those last few days of September brought me to know some of the loveliest and kindest people i've met, and some great friends. Oh and I was anti-depressant free!
October was me starting to settle in to living alone and surprisingly to myself and probably everyone around me I actually haven't been homesick yet! October was the actually start of university, the start of education again, which I tell you is not easy after a year out, I can only imagine what it would be like for mature students! I also turned 20 in October, to which I began to realise just how good friends I had actually made here in Cambs.
Now for November! This month saw the longest awaited day in my whole life, my big brothers wedding. For anyone that knows the two of them, they will know that they are a couple to be aspired to. After 7 long years, Michael and Natasha finally got married on the 8th November on a beautiful day surrounded by family and friends. I could not be prouder of my big brother for not only his speech and his composure but also his incredible amount of drinks without regurgitating them! It was also the month of a baby shower for my uncle and auntie, who are to have a beautiful baby (i'm sure he'll be handsome!) in December. A month of hard work in terms of university but so much happiness too!
December is obviously still in progress, but it is always the month that I sit and reflect on. I look at where I was 2 years ago, a year ago, I look at what happened through the year and the things I hope to achieve in the next. Right now, I can see in so many ways how far I have come this year, although I may not have detailed throughout the months how low I had got or how I always felt, it has been a year of big highs and low lows and from where I sit now I can say how proud I am of myself. Although life can be hard and it can be cruel, good things do happen too. I'm not saying I am a constant happy go lucky girl now, I still get low, I still feel lonely and sometimes I feel like I have no-one to talk to about the things that roll around my head. But everyone is human and we are all our own worse enemies.
I would just like to take the time to thank everyone who has helped me get to where I am now. My incredible family mostly. Family comes first, it always should and always will. For me my family are the reason I strive to get somewhere in life, the reason I want to make a change. Family are the most important thing to me. And although I do not talk about him much, I have someone else to thank, Mike. For making this year so good, so many things we have done, so many things I have achieved because of you and your support. I cannot wait for the next few years ahead which seem so exciting - as long as you can put up with me!
Overall, I guess I am trying to convey that although my year has been all over the place there has still been development and progress whilst there are still hold backs and blips too. Life, after all, is what you make it.
Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year to Everyone.
xxxx
