Right now my main demon is feeling anxious. People can label why I have it or what could be going on to cause it but truly in my heart I couldn't tell you where 80% of the attacks come from. For anyone who's suffered Anxiety attacks you know how truly awful they are, for anyone who's had them regularly understands what hell they create. Not being able to do anything without fear is no exaggeration, people will tell me to pull myself together or to just deal with it but the fear I feel when I am panicking is so intense I can't remove myself from it, as ludicrous as it may sound I genuinely feel like my life is about to end. The pain in my chest in unexplainable and trying to disguise it in public only intensifies my panic. Not being able to catch your breath, physically feeling as though someone has a cable tie wrapped around your ribcage so it can't expand is terrifying. That's before the hot tears and the very noticeable shaking. Battling this daily sometimes more than once a day is literally taking over my life bit by bit.
There isn't anything I don't panic about when I wake up anxious, I feel on edge all day long about everything that I do. My chest is constantly tight and I am so extremely emotional, embarrassingly so - but it is entirely out of my control which only adds to feeling entirely hopeless.
The anxiety is just one battle. Feeling a complete failure and as though it's never going to end or go away just makes me feel like there is no point, extreme feelings but it truly is dictating of everything. Trying to attend university regularly is a struggle, sometimes even leaving bed is hard which when written down just appears so pathetic but it is honestly catatonic and so disabling to feel this way. Let alone trying to explain to people that you feel this way and knowing there is nothing they can do to help it except tire of the constant burden my anxiety is upon them.
Although I have medication, a relatively new one again, it appears to be having little affect right now. Which is equally as infuriating, although I know there can be no quick fix there has to be some fix right?
People may not quite understand feeling anxious on a non stop basis but I will put it into perspective, imagine waking up scared, scared of the day ahead and what may happen and all those endless possibilities. Continuing with your daily routine but thinking about every aspect of it, overthinking it and thinking it again. Worrying about every outcome. Eating a meal and waking up in the night anxious about what it was and how much you ate, being terrified of the most unimaginable scenarios which I rationally know won't occur, convinced I will have a heart attack if I can't control my heart and what will I do if that happens and no one is around? That's only us at about 9am, it goes on ALL DAY. It doesn't just destroy me and tear me down but everyone around me.
Being unable to do things effectively that are so basic and necessary is entirely saddening. Heartbreaking even. Not being able to spill out everything in your head because it's all anxiety driven and paranoia and completely irrational, instead it maintains its place and feeds off of the anxiety until a panic attack comes - a vicious circle.
These feelings happen ammunition free, so imagine when life really is throwing it at you, it's soul destroying. Day to day blips, annoyances, fall outs and insecurities become magnified. Life really becomes hard, well it is hard actually.
I decided I was due a post, as people only see what they want to see, happiness and good life events. It's important to look further than the surface. It's also important to spill it out without having to directly discuss it.
Peace x
