blip #1

I'm going to try a write this as I start to hit a blip, to try and help people understand the ups and downs of depression and mental health issues. In the past few weeks i've felt my general well being and mood deteriorate, i've lost my motivation and my drive, I am once again in a state of mind that I am ready to give up. A negative thought pattern and feeling like 'what's the point?' This is the first time since stopping my tablets completely (my choice, and wrongly so), that I have hit this sort of standstill, in fact it is the first time since I started to really feel myself again. I think i've become a bit more quiet and reserved, even withdrawn. And when I am social I seem to get angry or upset, as if I can't take it, I am easily irritated and offended without reason. My 'fat' or 'ugly' days aren't just a little blip, they seem to dictate what I do, I would rather lay in bed and think about it all over and over in my head with no end destination, than go out and do something to take my mind off of it.

Before this 3 weeks downhill began, I was feeling almost on top of the world, University applications had gone forward, I for the first time had some sort of direction and plan for my life. It seemed as though everything was starting to fall together nicely, and out of nowhere I feel numb to it. I am still excited for my interview at Anglia-Ruskin, excited but perhaps nervous as well but this isn't some added stress that has put me on a downward spiral, I can't really explain what has?

I admit i've felt a little more pressure at work and pressure in growing up with the prospect of uni, which is a huge fear of mine, I feel like i've tried to be an adult for so long and now I'm going to be one I just want to hit the brakes. But I don't think these things can have such a drastic affect on my mood or my sense of worth. My point here is, it can come from nowhere, just hit you in the face and knock you on your arse. I feel like I am ready to give up again, to just sit and cry, as I seem to have been doing. Don't get me wrong I still have happy moods, I can still laugh at things that happen in my work day or be brightened up my talking to friends but I just don't feel quite right, I don't feel to be my normal self, or what I have come to know as my normal self. I feel overwhelmed, lethargic and just unhappy. I feel done with everything. 

Its hard when you start a negative thought pattern to regain a sense of perspective and positivity, I'm trying to think 'happy' thoughts, like of all the things I have to come in my life this year and all the progress I have made with myself, but at this moment in time I feel back at square one. I feel like its been plastic progress, pretend and pointless, like it hasn't really happened. I feel unsatisfied with life and angry at it but with no justification for this feeling. I also feel tired and like everything I do has no affect for anyone. I think lifeless is a good word to describe how I feel too, and weak. 

I'm not posting this to gain sympathy or help, I am sure I will overcome this little blip, I'm posting because I think people forget that depression and overcoming it isn't easy, its a long road with bumps and troughs in it. I've fallen over a hurdle on this path and I think everyone does. If you're feeling this way too, as I am trying to reiterate to myself over and over, don't give in. Don't let that voice in your head run you, take this blip head on and fight it. I'm hoping I can do the same, and that my next post will be more positive. 

Peace x