It has been a while since I have posted, unfortunately being an adult sucks and leaves me with little time. Being an adult is the worst of all the things I have ever been. Its lonely, its tiring, its draining and its really quite terrifying. This month is may, which means that it is a year ago since I first sought out help. I look at myself now and I think really and truly I haven't come all that far. I have more happy days than sad, which is a huge turn around in my eyes. But honestly, I'm more lonely than I was this time last year, I have more pressure, I am preparing myself for some harsh inevitable realities and i'm not really any further in my self loathing.
This time last year I was 8 stone. I am currently heavily fluctuating between 9 and a half and 10. This is also an improvement. But I still don't eat properly. Snacks are easy, they are little, they are consumable and not scary. A meal, a meal is daunting at the moment. Stress makes me dislike meals and way in heavy on the snacking. But this means a total lack of energy and I presume soon means I will crash. I'm currently prepaing myself for moving away to uni in a few months, and I sit and think that's another huge jump from last year. The mere thought of leaving home was anxiety stricken. Now I just worry about my food. I think i'll have little money and that will be an excuse to control my diet. Which is awful, already planning ahead. I am fully aware that all of this is wrong, but stress makes me control my food. I can't control the things that are stressing me out but I can dictate this. As strange as it sounds.
An aftermath of this food obsession is the self-loathing. Which last year was somewhat extreme compared to now, although it still lingers. I still look in the mirror and hate it, I still have days where I can sit and look at myself and just cry. But I no longer restrict myself to the house or to spaces with limited people to judge me. Last year my hate and constant self judgement pushed me to the edge, and if anything, I feel like this is my biggest achievement in the past year, getting some sort of hold and control over this so it doesn't dictate my life so.
A huge difference to 12 months ago is my support. Now I am quite alone in my bad times. I have around one whole friend. Aren't I lucky. I have one friend who is a million miles away and all I could do with on a bad day is a hug from her, she knows when its a bad day, shes senses it and I hear from her. And I will always love her for putting up with me and making sure I am okay, but to go from 4 or 5 people to turn to, to one. That's hard. That makes me doubt myself, that makes me bottle things up until I breakdown. Hence my blip earlier this year. To be alone makes the fight so much harder. It's not a very nice feeling to feel unwanted by the people that needed you most less than a year ago.
I am currently preparing to say goodbye to baby bear, my boy, who has been my best friend for 15 years, and this is so so hard for me. People may think i'm a loser or completely soft. But my shep has been there for all my life, and has always been my man. To cuddle when i'm sad, to play with, to look after me in all the years i;ve been poorly. Watching him slowly deteriorate absolutely kills me. I could honestly cry for hours just thinking about it. And I think this is even more sad because it closes the chapter on me being a child. He is all that is my childhood. That thought, that metaphor is so so depressing. Having to grow up and move out and lose one of the most important things in my life is soul destroying.
Also right now, we have family suffering. My grandma (my grandad's mum) is currently being looked after in the most wretched home. To think that a lady with such pride and presence before her Alzheimer's is living her last days in a home where there will be no dignity in her death. They will probably barely bat an eyelid, to think the lady that helped to mould the character that is my mother, is being mistreated makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me angry that I must sit back while higher ups decide what to do, whilst other family members decide what is best. I hate quiet protest, why can't people be proactive. Also right now, my grandmothers mother is unwell. She too seems to be being mistreated. Not cared for to the standard that she should be. People don't take the time to talk to her, or to make sure everything is okay for her. Not just her wash, her clothes or her food, HER MIND. Why do people not think the mind is such a predominate part of our well-being? I suppose I write about this because these two occurrences show you can trust no-one. You put your family in the care of others, whom you trust to help them retain dignity in their last years and they cannot even manage that. People are selfish and incapable.
I guess this year there are many more factors to contend with, many more changes to juggle whilst trying to maintain self happiness. I suppose I am just letting you all know, there are bumps in the road. Huge ones. And sometimes it really doesn't feel like it gets easier. It feels like you just learnt to juggle and now you're doing it with knives. Life is tiring.
Over and Out
