I title this 'Recovery' as anyone who knows me well in terms of my professional views etc I am dubious about this term, but it is what others would describe my current experiences as. Again, anyone close to me will know I have returned to University (at last!) to finish my degree in mental health nursing, its been a long old road here but I think it might have been worth it; I'll let you know in 2019!
It seems a world away in some respects yet just like yesterday in others, that I started this blog. It was back in 2013, which although is 4 years ago, like I say it kind of doesn't seem that long ago but feels like I've lived this sad reality for such a huge part of my life - I suppose I have I just chose not to talk about it. Returning to university has been HUGE for my mental health, it has made me feel valued, intelligent, like I actually have a purpose and I am not completely and utterly useless anymore. I have re-found my passionate for learning and promoting awareness and advocating for those who choose not to discuss their experiences. I can truly say I am really proud of myself and that feels great
However, as usual this big BUT comes in. By spending time at university I get this perception that I am quite well really, that I do manage and by discussing subjects particularly close to my heart/my experiences, I take my care into my own hands and decide to do trivial things like stop my medication. I mean this is something I experience every now and then - I personally feel like things are on the up so it should stop or I give myself a really rational (totally irrational) reason for stopping it and stick with it. Last week I revisited this road in my life and decided my medication wasn't a vital part of my care and the determents (which turned out to be totally irrelevant to me) were way more important. I had been in a conversation that made me certain my meds would make me infertile, there is one thing I want more than to be a Nurse and that is to be a mum. This new information (which I misinterpreted) was completely untrue yet I stopped taken by tablets.
So right now, I am experiencing all kinds of fun (not) that come with me not managing so well. On top of this I've had some health issues, so unlike me I know. Around 12 weeks ago, I experienced what was thought to be a slipped disc, long story short, some right side tingling and numbness as well as pain and a straight gait when I walked meant a referral to a spinal assessment specialist, this was on Thursday. She ordered an urgent MRI for me. This in itself as an experience was pretty horrible and anxiety provoking. On top of this, Urgent makes me feel funny inside, now normally I would say this is because i'm young, or because they really have no idea what's going on or they just don't really want me pestering their services anymore, however anxious, nervous, jittery me is convinced this is because there is something really wrong that they don't want to tell me. This thought battles the other. I list my deficits and realise I am already chronically ill at 22, so why not add another condition to that list. Equally as terrifying is the notion that there will be nothing to be found, it will be the 'its in your head' game, which probably fucks with me more than having something wrong. What a catch 22. So with this going on and me making the ingenious decision to self manage my meds i'm suddenly really struggling with my anxiety.
I always write these posts when things aren't great, but I feel that's the best way to show and explain these experiences to people who either want to know or people who want someone to connect with. I am extremely wound up about my body, my weight, my looks, the way my clothes fit, the way my boobs sit, the way my stomach looks in the bath, the way that I feel when I eat food. I am well enough to talk about this and to rationalise it, which in some ways is really great and I can see for myself I am managing it. However it does set me up for some horrible shaking, crying, sweating and general on edge feeling pretty much 80% of the time, the 20% is probably when I am asleep, but even then bad dreams intercept with that. Physically my chest is sore, I feel like I am on the edge of a panic attack all the time and that I can't focus or concentrate on meaningful tasks. Not to mention how damn tiring everything is. Oh and that people just really don't understand anxiety, that feeling that I want to be alone but I don't want to be? I want someone to be with me but not. My head is a bit of a mess really.
I await my back results, it will be around 2 weeks. And as a few know health tests etc really peak my anxiety so the next two weeks will be interesting to say the least. However as usual, putting it all down here has made me feel light as a feather for a while.
Word from the wise, and a word to future me - Don't self manage your meds....Everything was going quite nicely, in the grand scheme of things....
xxx
