I read a post that inspired me I guess. It's about this idea that we say 'I'm fine' when we aren't, and I am so so guilty of this. Too often because I cannot explain my feelings or I simply don't want to share I answer that I'm fine. The moment you admit you aren't fine people either wish they had never asked or want to delve into why and fix it. Someone's not being okay is okay, you don't need to fix me because I'm not okay in that moment.
This leads me to yesterday. Yesterday I had my occupational health assessment for my return to uni. Although I knew my health was still an issue I was kind of positive that things would be ok, but secretly positive. I was very wrong. I am beyond heartbroken and in a place of complete confusion, denial and emotional mess. I am unfit to return to my training right now and I don't know when or what will happen now. Uncertainty is not my friend.
Despite being asked a million times and wanting to curl in a ball and cry, when I asked how I felt, I continued to say 'I'm fine' or humour my disappointment. But it's okay to not be fine, and I'm not. And this is the easiest way to admit that. I am not okay, I am devastated. I feel like I'm failing, I've lost hope and I feel broken. I'm frustrated that no one can help me or fix me, that I'm an unknown case, I'm scared that my life is always going to orbit around my health - and that that health is always going to be unknown. It's embarrassing to suffer from a chronic illness that has no name and just symptoms, something people cannot identify with or even begin understand, it's humiliating, every single day of my life I am humiliated at the amount of pain I am in and how incapable I am when I am only 22. It's shameful. And I am ashamed. I cannot stop those feelings and right now they are intensified and validated by my inability to return to my dream. It's crushing watching your dreams fall away from you whilst watching other succeed, falling behind whilst others build their careers and lives.
I needed to get this out of my head, before it breaks me even more. I know it's unhealthy to keep things inside but its so hard to talk about something that crushes you. Despite my facade I am sad right now, very sad. I am not 'fine'.
