Throughout my peaks and troughs I have started to review where all of this stemmed from, also as a part of my therapy there is a need for me to identify the start of my problems. I think this is actually really helpful for anyone suffering, I think trying to find a fix gives me hope it can get better and just go away forever. Unlikely I know, but still there is hope.
As a child, I wanted to be a model. As much as that makes me sound obnoxious and full of myself. I wanted to do modelling from the age of about 12, I was told I was tall for my age and should consider it. It's something that I thought would be fun, a fun career that was effortless and easy. When I was naive and thought it was possible. I spoke to my parents about fulfilling this dream and they supported me, I spoke to my grandmother and her reaction to me was, 'well you're far too fat to be a model'. Hearing this from someone who was supposed to support me, knocked me for 6. I think from this time until now, and possibly forever I will be concerned with my weight. About being overweight, I think the comments she made to me that day will always stay with me. If someone so much as pats my stomach I lurch into over reaction about my 'fat', realistically, it isnt there. I could be a better size but I know deep down in my head i'm not fat. Even as I write that in my mind I am contradicting myself; telling myself I am, I need to fix it. It's such a intense frame of mind.
I have other things I think have affected the loathing I possess, the lack of presence in my life of my father. I feel like its a sense of abandonment, as much as my mum can tell me he does love me really that sense of being given up on and abandoned will never really go away. I will always need to find some reason for that, why he has done that. But I never will be able to find it. No matter how hard I try, unless I eventually pluck up the courage to ask him, and potentially be knocked even further down, I will never know any more than the ideas my own mind creates. To feel unloved by a parent is pretty damaging, my mum and step-dad are the most amazing parents I could of asked for, and have raised me into the woman I am, but it will never diminish the fact that my father has no unconditional love for me. Any logically thinking person would think, what's wrong with me? Right?
I was also bullied at school. Not like heavily, not physically, but being picked on and told I was ugly, and growing up being the unattractive one in a friendship group. As shallow as it sounds, it scars you. To be the ugly one, the one that never really stands out against anyone else, is just a boring plain jane. Even at primary school I was picked on for my voice and my mole on my face. I think these things have made me as self-concious as I am today. Being told I sound manly, and I am manly has psychologically created this need for me to be feminine. I want a breast enlargement so badly that when I have money, that will be one of the first things I do. I am so unhappy with what I have now that I would put myself at risk and just do whatever it took to change. Which is a sad reality.
I constantly compare myself to others, my weight, my voice, my hair, my face, my skin, my eyes, everything. I compare every little bit of me to each person I see, I look at them and think, god they have such nicer features than me, why don't I have that, or they are a much nicer person than me, why can I not be like that? I evaluate myself again every person and always come out worst off. I think people don't really know me and presume I think a lot of myself, I am just very good at pretending. On a bad day I put make up on to try and help, so if I catch myself in a mirror I don't get so wound up with what I see. It's so draining. My job requires positivity and happiness and sometimes it takes it out of you just pretending for 7 hours. It's as if I am split-personality, one person at home and a complete other at work.
I think i'll continue to post about my past, like where things came from and what things have moulded me. Coming to terms with the past and learning about these things I feel is so predominant in our recovery into not only a better person but a person with good mental health. Someone able to reflect and decide with a balanced judgement, to be able to look back and pick out the problems and resolve them when they re-appear is crucial to maintaining recovery. I think this is what I am trying to do now. Whatever you do, if you are getting better, don't give up. I keep telling myself this, over and over. Eventually it will all get better and easier, downs won't be so hard to pick myself up from and highs won't be enjoyed with doubt in the mind of what comes next. Keep powering through, because i'm sure you're doing really well. I think we all need to hear that sometimes. Everything is going to be okay in the end.
Peace x
