Something that other people cannot understand is that sometimes we have no control over our minds, it does as it wants. A bad mood cannot be snapped out of or pushed aside. In fact it actually engulfs you, becomes you and dictates all you do. Every good thing in life had a downfall, the same with every bad thing in life and a silver lining - however the former is more accurate and applicable to my life at the moment.
Writing everything down really helps to free my mind and sometimes make sense of what I feel. Sometimes I'm not even sure why I can cry hysterically for 2 hours and other times I can paint a smile on my face and act like my mind isn't tearing itself apart.
Currently healthy anxiety is a big thing for me, in fact paranoia as a whole is quite an overbearing pressure on my life. Those close to me know I struggle with chronic kidney pain and infections, regular antibiotics, blood tests, specialist appointments - all to no end may I add. And this whole dialogue makes me increasingly paranoid and anxious. The two are very different to me. I worry about my health, I worry that by not drinking enough water or too much fruit juice I will incur and infection, then given antibiotics following that a potential reaction to said antibiotics - this does happen to me. But the paranoia, now that is something that when I'm clear headed I can identify as irrational. If my weight is more than usual I become irrational obsessed with the idea it is a growth, anything from a tumour to an undetected foetus. Which is extreme, so extreme it's hard to manage. But I often truly believe these things. They plague my mind. Why am I at 21, always so unwell, always so tired and unmotivated. It is not only unnatural but it is destroying my life.
Not only this but when I feel ill, I feel incapable. Either the anxiety or paranoia send me into obsession over my diet or diagnosis. I become reclusive from the world and only want to spend time with those who know me for what I really am - broken.
For now these things are worsening as I undergo another medication change, for those of you who do not have the joy have antidepressants, they don't all work in an instant. It takes 6 weeks approximately for a chance of success - this is my fourth medication. I am moving to a new branch of medication, ones with weight gain side effect. Therefore my anxiety is about as high as the moon, out of everything in life I am terrified beyond reason of becoming overweight. It is in my mind the worst thing that can happen to me. Only some people will understand that, others will see it as shallow. It is a fear I have had since childhood, wether it be politically incorrect I cannot help it, it is simply an idea that possess my mind and scares it.
So basically, the hard life starts here. Not in a poor me way, in a my poor family, friends and partner way. Right now is probably the lowest I have been in so long, I don't think I have cried so much or felt such an overpowering urge to give up on everything. My life right now is not how I planned it to be - another cause for anxiety - I may have found the person I will do anything and everything to be with for as long as I am here but I feel a burden, a problem. Not only to him but to my other loved ones. This further increases the intensity of those voices telling you it's time to give up now. Until you've experienced them you cannot truly understand how overwhelming they can be, how debilitating and exhausting they become. I'm not saying I don't ever feel happy because I do have things I still enjoy. However once I am moved to my dark and lonely place it is so hard to get out of.
I know I have loved ones who cannot understand why I feel this way, probably lots of people think that. People who believe I can just snap out of it and that I chose to struggle with my emotions. I may appear brutal with my words but I struggle with these things not only of my own accord but of yours too. I am fully aware that environmental factors affect such elements in life, I believe it's time some of you look closer to home to see exactly why I feel the way I do. Oh and then comes anger. The irrational anger and feeling of I cannot stand feeling this way. I cannot stand you not understanding, I cannot stand your judgement or your sympathy, I do not want your futile words or you telling me to pull myself together. NONE OF THEM THINGS HELP. They simply anger me and make me feeling a burning hate I cannot control. A hate that makes me rip my nails off until they bleed, or pick my skin until it stings, shave until I can feel nothing, it makes me want to hurt you or myself in frustration. So stop it, I beg.
