I feel as though I'm writing my first post again, genuinely a little terrified to publish and admit to my state recently. I've written this post over a few weeks. There's a lot to admit to and consider about posting within this. Most people around me, except Tom truly know the struggles of life in the past few months. It's a long post so hang in there!
I've had a play around with medication, I'm back on the first ever meds I took when I was 18, as much as I want to say my new experiences are medication related and I truly pray they are I guess I won't know until it either goes or until I stop the meds.
One major perk is my loss of appetite, I don't eat meals frequently and the 2 stone gained fell away from me, this is something I can be truly thrilled with - there is no feeling like weight dropping away from you. Being able to feel yourself smaller, being able to see fat drop off, it's exhilarating. Which might sound odd but I can't deny it.
However recently I have had the unfortunate luck of experiencing paranoia to a whole new level. I would tell anyone talking about mental health never to be ashamed of their experience, it all matters and it is a part of who you are. But right now I feel that shame, the paranoia is uncontrollable. I feel as though I am forever watched, that I'm never truly alone. I constantly look over my shoulder or out of the corner of my eye as I can feel that someone is there. It's a horrible and strange experience to explain - it is not a spirit, not a ghost. Most definitely there is someone here, I know because I can see her sometimes. That's terrifying. And even more terrifying to admit out loud, people will mock and poke fun at me for admitting it, I'm sure it will be used against me in insults or used to ridicule me. But when I started this blog, it was under the pretence of helping people understand mental health and helping others feel less alone with their challenges.
Alongside the normal paranoia is the health anxiety which is still pretty prominent. I don't think a day goes by where I don't feel unwell, which at 21 is completely unnatural. I could sleep all day and still sleep at night, my days consist of working and napping. I feel so physically exhausted all the time, it's so difficult to convey to other people that it's not laziness, I just feel as though I can't physically do anything else. I constantly worry there is more to feeling this way than just probable meds side effects.
With all of this it can feel quite lonely. I don't mean that in a sense of pointing fingers at friends and family. It's just things I feel I can't talk about as people don't understand. Instead I stew on it alone. In fact I'm blessed to have someone in my life who knows when I am unsettled or paranoid, someone who is so in tune it sometimes makes the world of difference. Sometimes though, despite this support, it can be too much. Again somewhat ashamed to admit that only 2 months ago did I sit in my bed alone with 50mg of diazepam emptied in front of me - I had researched using the BNF, how much would send me into a coma I wouldn't come out of. I had the phone next to me, to call services to find my body rather than anyone else. Tom was actually in Poland, I thought it would be nicer for him to be away and not have to deal with me. I could not erase the thoughts from my mind that it was game over, they were incessant. Anyone who's had suicidal thoughts to such a degree will completely comprehend, it's relentless. A constant ticking in your mind that you cannot rationalise because you are so engulfed in the idea of a peaceful end. I'm not sure anyone realised I was there, no one truly knew the edge I was at. Only a text message from a friend saved me. They don't know that, I doubt he ever will know that. But as I sit here right now writing this I am so grateful that he brought me back to earth. Cannot thank Ryan enough for just checking in and saving me - as corny as it sounds.
It's unbelievable how alone battling your own mind makes you. I have only one person I can talk to about my problems and I don't want to burden him for the rest of his life with my troubles. Although I can see how blessed I am to have found someone who wants me to burden them. I don't have friends I can talk to, I don't mean that as an insult but I can't. I don't trust anyone with the serious ins and out of my life. No one except Tom truly knows me. And although that may be a twisted sort of romance it's also so sad to not have friends, and because of my own doing. I cannot have friends because I'm too paranoid and anxious to do anything with them. Even my best friends have no idea about any of these challenges as I can't bring myself to admit them. Plus people don't need your weight on their life too. Best to seem distant and ignorant.
Although I cannot believe all in one post I've admitted I'm a paranoid mess who is a loner and sometimes sees things, not to mention throwing in an active suicidal plan, it feels so much lighter to send it off into cyberspace. I'm sure I will be laughed at, no doubt made a mockery of because of these things but c'est la vie. I endeavour in life to help people not feel alone and if I can save someone by opening up and being honest about my own experiences I will take the humiliation and gossip from people who only maintain this horrendous stigma everyone with mental health challenges faces on a daily basis.
Caio for now xo
