I've decided to write this blog a little sooner than I planned but
that's because I can't get it out of my head. Everyone seems to presume that
depression is just the one victim, the one person suffering. I know victim might not
be the right term but I feel thats what people perceive sufferers as, someone fighting a battle, someone to feel sorry for, like a victim.
Unfortunately with every person that is suffering with depression or negative
thoughts is their support system that is suffering too, the support system they may not even be aware of.
I guess what i'm trying to get across is that its not just the person suffering
who is suffering, their family, friends and loved ones fight their battles with depression too.
I thought an apology was an appropriate name for this blog as I intend to talk about all the people that were in my support system and the people whos lives I affected whilst I was and am going over a bump in the road. I was wrapped up in my own thoughts and depression to think about those around me, and I suppose only now that i'm starting to feeling more myself again have I realised that those people were there for me and either went through it with me or I hurt them by not letting them in. This all seems like i'm being selfless or that I am saying people suffering are selfish. That's not what I mean, I mean that we have people around us that are trying to help us but in our time of need we don't realise that their intentions are good and kind.
Firstly, my family spring to mind. I think I can say my mum and my step-papi are the most amazing parents in the world for dealing with this with me. I spent nights so hysterically crying or having an anxiety attack that my mum would sleep in my bed with me. She didn't like to go to work and leave by myself any more because a bad mood wasn't just a bad mood, it was a danger, a chance that i'd do something. My step-dad opened up to me, he tried to protect me in anyway he could, trying to stop the negativity in my life, trying to stop people being able to harm me. But they couldn't do that, not can they in the real world. My parents most definitely went through my depression with me and I am so sorry for that. I owe them a huge thank you for everything they did for me, everything they let me get away with I suppose. My unwillingness to leave my bedroom, to not socialise and to maintain my obsession with someone I will all Mr X throughout this blog. They let me continue what I thought was best. This is just a snippet of what they went through with me, but I am just so so thankful that I had them. And if you're reading this and currently in a dark place, I know my parents are one of a kind but I'm sure your parents love you just as much and would do anything for you too.
As for my friends not so many knew. My best friends at the time Harriet and Lisa were aware, and I can say I put unwanted stress on their last year of school. Which I cannot apologise enough for, I acted selfishly on many occasions. Harriet would always be there when I needed her, always just a phone call away and only lives down the road. In fact working next door to her meant any time I had a breakdown she was there, in fact her family too. I can remember one specific time that I was literally heartbroken and they helped me to pick up the pieces. They did more than I could ever of asked to support me and at the time I didn't realise it. As for Lisa, I think she struggled, she told me she couldn't understand where it had come from or why I was unhappy, but despite this she told me any time she would drive over to me, whether that be in the middle of the night. In fact I remember being drunk and I guess under her care and screaming that I didn't want to be here any more, that I couldn't take it, and the way she spoke to me and looked after to me started me piecing my life back together. I also have other friends to thank in terms of girls who supported me (I did go to an all girls school!) and haven't realised, I had Katie and Goodwin, always there to make me smile and cheer me up. Most people have these sort of people in their lives, they do help and they do care, even if you can't see it yet. They carried me through my last year of school. So thank you girls x
I have other friends too that helped me, but in a different way. I had male friends that boosted my confidence, they made me feel good about myself on a good day. On a bad day they would just listen, which is honourable when it would appear all I was moaning about was Mr X, I didn't really give away other stuff in my life. That was my broken record and all I cared about for so long. Matt would always listen, no matter what time of day it was, or where he was. Skype, text, meeting me. He was there to just listen. You might wonder why I'm talking about these people but I'm trying to help some of you identify these people in your lives.
Now for Mr X. Some people reading this will know who I am talking about, others will have no idea. I think even though my family had a lot of stress and so did my friends, I think I affected them more than I can ever know. But as for this person I think I have affected him for life. I began to be unhappy a few months into knowing him, I can't be sure what triggered it, I just remember i'd become a bit 'off course' about my eating habits. He told me he'd always stand by me and be there even if he didn't understand. Admirable for what was at the time someone who had just had me enter their life. But as I slowly started to deteriorate in my mental health, we did each other no good. I became obsessed and paranoid, not just about him, everything in my life but obviously it included him. I tried to play it cool but I'd be at home going wild with my thoughts. If we had an argument or a disagreement I would have an anxiety attack and demand that my parents drove me to see him immediately, which is beyond unhealthy. His behaviour to me was, well wrong. I don't want to paint a bad picture of him, I fear I will. But from my view, I was never quite enough. I tried to be smaller, and prettier and less caring, I tried to become the person he wanted me to be. This person that he would want was what I perceived from any comments he would make, compliments were like a positive reinforcement and banter was hurtful and true to me. I took everything so seriously. Being in love with someone and depressed at the same time is really hard to deal with. Especially as he didn't love me back, he wanted to be single and to continue sleeping with other girls, which he did, but every time that happened, and every time I forgave him, it chipped away at me. Not having him in my life was at the time enough to make me think about taking my own. Why did I let a man determine my life? I don't think I will ever be able to process that. In retrospect I have realised that my depression trapped him, and my behaviours impacted on his. I think he will never be able to let go of the fact he thinks he did this to me, and in fact so does everyone around me. He didn't help me by any means but he is not to fully blame.
I think talking about this will make some of you open your eyes to the people in your lives. They are in fact a big part of your life and they can chip away at your confidence and your ambition with words. Or they can support you and listen to you while you rebuild yourself. They sit through the storm with you. People around you can help and hinder you in your mental health problems. As for those of you who are not suffering just think about your actions. A comment, or a behaviour can hit someone a lot harder than you intend. You may be thinking a completely different thing to how it is being interpreted by someone else. Open your eyes to those suffering with mental health, help them, not hinder them.
Over and Out
x
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