I guess I got the post christmas blues, despite not really being a christmas person..I came back to uni and it would seem everything fell apart from there. My mood slipped, my motivation gone, paranoia resurfaced - a truly horrible way to be living life and even worse I felt like it was all a dark secret, putting on an act every single day that everything is okay. Although that act is kind of still in progress.
I started my blog to help people understand really, and I suppose writing about this will in some way help people. I've learned a fair bit so far myself, thinking I was going to be someone who endured one depressive episode and got on with my life and never looked back. But I look back incessantly, maybe that's part of the problem. In fact I'm back right where I was 2 years ago. Unhappy, unmotivated all in all, I feel like a total mess. I can't say I expected a 'relapse', although I suppose in some ways it was bound to happen, but this time round is soooo much harder. At least last time I had optimism this time I know once it's all over it's only so long before it begins again.
People say how can someone young be unhappy? someone with a great family and boyfriend be unhappy? But I literally cannot find the words to explain, I don't think there is any. I'm just unhappy. Fortunately I have something I need to get up for, something that I know will improve life one day but things are pretty hard right now. I hate getting out of bed and putting my pretend face on. I hate faking happiness and laughs, I hate seeing other people without a care in the world because I know at no point in my life will I ever be like that.
Most days I feel numb, others I feel like locking myself away and crying for hours on end, other days I just wish I could go to sleep for weeks and wake up with everything fixed. Although medication is a good fix, its not something I want forever, but yet again it crops up. A stupid tablet to take everyday, or fear of a breakdown a few days later looms. Panic attacks, anxiety and agitation go beautifully beside feeling low. Making pretty much everything I real task or at least making me super exhausted after.
I feel like once again I am pretty good at disguising my true feelings. I am pretty good at acting happy and pretending to be completely 'normal'. But really my head never stops, theres always a worry in there, always something in there to make me feel low - significant or minor - it never stops.
Luckily this time I have acted quickly in terms of medication and telling my parents it's starting all over again but in some ways it makes it no easier. Knowing you're making people worry is just even worse on top of everything. Worse of all some people just can't grasp low mood or the concept of being depressed and make a hard day 10x harder. Don't even get me started on lack of sleep and how impossible life is with a lack of sleep.
I hope to be able to blog in the next few weeks of improvement but i'm pretty negative right now so that's a hard idea to conceive. Good or Bad, blogging my perfect way of venting. I don't want psychological intervention or to talk to someone. I feel content with writing down random peices of life for other people to judge. As i'm sure everyone will.
Peace x
Mental health is like the weather, changeable. Some days it's glorious sunshine without a cloud in the sky. Other days it can be overcast. The next the heavens may open and the black clouds fill the sky only broken by bolts of lightening and deafening thunder! Some days you can experience everything in one.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm trying to say is that it never goes away, it never stops. We just learn to adjust. Dress appropriately, use aids to help be it sunscreen or an umbrella. Some days we just have to stay indoors.
As time passes we get wiser with experience and learn to cope with the changes. Sometimes we can even predict the weather and take the steps we need to endure it.
Be strong and remember you're not alone. Lots of love coming your way xx