self-pity

I don't really know what I am feeling. I am angry, I am sad, I am heartbroken. It sounds stupid and cliche. I am every emotion there is within about an hour. This past month has been a complete roller-coaster of life.

I had uni stress with assignments and exams, which are thankfully all done and dusted. I had my driving test which I passed, allowing me to move home and squash my money worries. I also passed my maths exam which had a definitive pass mark. But with all these peaks, when I thought everything was started to look up. It's so quickly come tumbling down. 

How is it that someone else gets the power of determining how you feel. I felt like I had my future planned out, like i'd genuinely met someone who understood me and was going to put up with me for the long haul. I thought he genuinely cared about me above all else and would do anything for me. How is it fair that I wasn't even ready to have that all come to end, but the decision was made for me. Finding out someone has been unfaithful is so hard. It's like the decision of how your life is going is changed by one self-absorbed persons actions. How is it you can still love someone so much and hate them with everything you have at the same time. 

I don't want sympathy I just feel better being able to write the feelings down. I sound very poor me, but I am almost certain it's always me that gets the bad luck. No matter how many people can say it isn't you, why then is it always me? I am always with someone who cannot be faithful. Which leads me to think it must be me, it must be something wrong with me for people to do that. I don't deny I am probably hard work but I really do give people my all and I so caring to everything they could want and need. But none  of it is good enough to keep someone here. I ask myself is it my appearance? My body? My personality? I don't know what is wrong with me that I can be put to the back of someones head so easily. They always say its nothing to do with you, it's completely me. But when you've heard that over and over it starts to trigger in your mind it might just me you. 'You deserve better than me' its a phrase I never want to hear from someone ever again. 

The most crushing thing is not being ready. Relationship break downs happen naturally, they happen over time and people fall away. But to have the decision essentially made for you is something really hard to swallow. You are still smitten with that person and the idea of future together is something that is so real but now so broken. I can't really find the words to describe the mash in my brain. 

I know there is forgiveness and I have it in me, but to watch myself be destroyed with paranoia and self-hate all over again is not worth someone who cannot respect me in the first place. But to think about the future without them makes it kind of hard to breathe. 

I am sorry to be full of self-pity in this post, but I need to get it out. Holding it all in is too much. I am cliche and heartbroken and just broken all in all. At 20 years old, I feel hopeless. Probably a temporary feeling, but sad enough that I feel like that already. I hope all you people that have been unfaithful to someone you supposedly love realise just how much damage you do to someone. How much self-hate you put into them, how much doubt lingers in their mind, how confused you make them, how unfair and selfish you have been. I hope you can never forgive yourselves.