I haven't written for a while as I've been dealing my own problems, but I have thought about writing, and about writing this particular post. If you're easily distressed please don't continue to read. I guess my mind is just over flowing on to this page.
Ever since the death of Peaches Geldolf and the speculation that it may or may not have been suicide I seem to have noticed peoples thoughts and attitudes to it are that when a person reaches this point, they are being selfish. I just wanted to write about when you feel you get to this point of no return what its really like, rather than saying its a selfish act that has no consideration for the people around you.
I think this will be the hardest thing for me to write about because even to this day I find it hard to discuss, I'm just blunt instead which is completely insensitive to those around me. But its my coping strategy. I had a plan in my head of what I was going to do, how it would go, the time, the materials etc, I had thought about the release I would finally get from taking my own life. As I write that I can't help but look back at my former self and feel so sad that that to me was my only escape from it all.
Feeling as though removing myself from earth and from everyone around me was the answer to all my problems. To think that I was such a disappointment to the people that were in my life that I shouldn't be in them any more. I felt I had let the people around me down so badly, and I was nothing but a burden to them with my problems and my issues and my constant negativity that I felt taking myself away forever was the answer. Now if in your mind you can read that and think that it's selfish of me to feel that way, selfish that I could consider that I really cannot being to understand your motives, although I would happily try to. Although I don't blame the people around me for what I went through, I think every little comment someone makes is a chip away, every put down is more salt in the wound. To think that someone near and dear to you could be at that point where they have lost the meaning of their life, take a moment and wonder what you could do? Or could've done?
I fully respect that if I had of followed through with my plans I would of destroyed my familys lives, my mum and stepdad wouldn't have been able to cope, my big brother would be a mess and as for my best friends, I would of ruined their final year at school, their ambitions. Death is a destructive thing, it rips people apart and their lives and I fully comprehend that but to see someone say that they have no sympathy for people being pushed to the edge of their lives because it is selfish is so so hard for me to swallow.
Yes people should value life and other people go through so much, cancers and dementia's that take people away when they want to stay here, whilst someone else can just take their life. But that's exactly it, its not just taking your life. Its the road that leads you there. I felt like I had no future, nothing good would ever come to me, I had lived 18 years and to me they seemed pretty shit so far anyway, why would they be any better for the next 18? I hated myself so much, physically, mentally, emotionally, everything about myself wasn't good enough but I couldn't better it? I real mind twister to me now that I look back but to think that I despised myself so much I would end myself? There's such a long road of raw emotional traumas that lead you to that dark moment. Thinking that I would plan it perfectly so no-one could come home and save me, I wouldn't be one of these that had to wake up and suffer the consequence of being saved. The 'consequence' of being saved, even how that is worded makes me shocked at myself.
I still have days where I think it would be easier if I could just go to sleep and never have to wake up, I still sometimes think it would be nice to not have to be here any more. And that is something I like to think a lot of people feel, its not just something from me as someone who is feeling low. I think bad days can push us to be radical in our thoughts. But it's still something I want to eradicate from my life, I don't want to feel like I should give up, I don't want to have it in the back of my head that that is the only real freedom I could have. I guess I just wrote this to make people think. This illusion that suicide is an easy and selfish thought process, that someone has just thought oh yeah screw those around me. It's not at all like that, in fact its those around you who make you feel that need to be gone.
I know in my lifetime if I fulfil my aspirations of becoming a mental health nurse I will have to deal with such a situation that someone takes their own life, and it will be hard for me to come to terms with and to fully understand that individuals reasons for that decision. But I have solace in the fact that I won;t be narrow minded enough to think that it is selfish or ignorant of them. I will feel deeply saddened that I couldn't create another escape for them.
Deep thoughts here, I apologise for anyone feeling low after this post, or shocked by my words. It is my opinions and feelings, and in fact my experience. I am happy to say that I did beat my demons and with those pills in my hand I never had the strength to end my life. I say strength because I think it takes a lot of courage to do something like that, I think to go through with the process in itself takes an extremely strong willed person. I'm not sure how rightly that is worded, but I hope some of you understand me.
Peace out x
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