what else

I honestly don't know where this post is going to end up, I feel like just writing down lots of jibberish and hoping it pieces together. People probably wonder why on earth I'm depressed, I have amazing parents, a good family, good friends and right now an amazing boyfriend. Cliche as it sounds, he really is a good egg. But everything can seem to be so right when it's really not. I explained in my post 2013, sort of where this stemmed from but I think its time to open up a bit more.

So last year, as i've written before, a boy messed me up. He cheated on me. This might not seem a big deal but I am an extremely self-concious and self-loathing person as standard. This infidelity was probably the last knife in me that turned me to despair. I have always been a second best, or so I have that idea in my head. The notion of not being good enough for someone no matter what you do, is so painfully draining, I don't even know where to start.I guess there's you. Your looks, your personality. I'm not pretty enough, i'm not skinny enough, I'm not funny enough or flirty enough, I'm not what this person whats me to be. How absolutely mad is that, not what someone ELSE wants you to be. You should be who YOU want to be, and yes I do know that now  but i'm still in the blur of knowing who I want me to be. Trying to be someone's perfect person when you aren't it just as you are is exhausting and disappointing. If they don;t love you for who you are, why are you going to let them love you for changing for them. That's so not how it should be. More to this was that everyone thought I was obsessive and crazy and couldn't just let it go. But they couldn't see how much it was tearing me into bits. This few months of I guess not being enough, tipped me. I think I feel like I have never been enough all of my life.

I have never been clever enough or pretty enough, never been sickly sweet nor stone cold. I used to pretend I was a horrible cold person rather than getting hurt by those around me. Never trusted people and always presumed I would be let down. After all in my mind thats how I feel about most people in my life. My own dad doesn't really love me or want me enough to fight for me to be in his life, or to have fought for me over the past 19 years. I am nothing but a spec of his past, how sad is that. He would always give up on trying with me after just a few weeks or months, as if that isn't something else to make you feel like you aren't good enough.

I feel like i've always been the black sheep of the family. Always had something wrong or going on, never had everything run as smoothly as my brother, never been as complacent as my mum. I've always been argumentative and difficult. Sleeping problems and health problems, hospital admissions and counselling sessions. I have always been the awkward one in the family that's taken more time, the one that's just not 100% right, pretty much all the time. There's always something. And being depressed just pushed me further into that. Again I felt I had failed, I felt broken and difficult.  I hated me just a little bit more than before.

I can't really explain why but I've always had a self hate there, I talk to my counsellor and I can talk with such passion about how much I dislike myself. I have a big nose, wide hips, little boobs, looking at myself on a bad day makes me cry. I cannot stand what I see. If i'm having a good day I spend time disguising my face with make up or trying to wear baggy or flattering clothes because I don't like my figure either surprise suprise. People laugh when I talk about all the surgery I would have if I could but really its sad. Im 19 years old and I wish I could be somebody else, look like somebody else.

Perhaps this self hate spirals from not being good enough, or that feeling of it. The times where I adopt strange eating habits because I become more self concious than normal, dangerously so, because I want to be better. Its all about reaching this better me but then I give up. And that giving up winds me, because it proves that I'm good for nothing, I cant stick at anything. See this vicious circle that goes in my head may seem completely out of the ordinary to some people but others might just be clicking on to my thought process.

I guess I've written this goop beacuse we should never make people feel like that. Never should someone feel they are not enough, and if someone is making you feel that way, walk away. It's something so hard to rid yourself of once its there. It causes problems in all walks of your life. My job, I feel unimportant and unvalued, in my family I feel like i'm the broken one and amongst my friends I feel like they gave up on me because I was too much to maintain.