So I haven't written for a while, I've been kind of busy working and really making progress in my recovery. This month, July, is a real big one for me, as this time last year was my lowest point. This time last year I was ready, I don't know why it's so hard to say it out loud or to write down, like the actual words, yeah I was ready to take my own life.
Thanks to the great application that is Time-hop, each day I can see my progress from last year. My constant low mood was reflected in everything I posted, my whole life seemed to be dictated by one person. And my endless desire to please them and be what they wanted me to be. Well really to be good enough for them to love me, I wasn't ready to give up on that idea, I just wanted them to want me and no-one else. At the same time I can see things I posted where I was finally getting courage to break down that ideology in my head. I know that I tried to stop things, I can acknowledge that the strength was there, I just couldn't show it.
At some point in July 2013, I can;t remember exactly when, I was prescribed Diazepam for 4 days. On reflection, I can't entirely remember those days, I remember being so low, I even think my parents didn't want to leave me alone. I couldn't really drag myself from bed, but at the same time I couldn't sleep. I didn't really eat, those 4 days when I look back, they make me very tearful. I think it's hard to explain to other people just how you can get to that point. Even though its a year later I guess I can try.
So as in previous blogs, I've called said person Mr X, and I will continue to. In the first week of July, I gave an ultimatum to him, I broke through that wall of wanting him to want me. In my head that was all that mattered until that point. I was so crazed with this idea of finally conquering him, managing to make him love me, nothing else mattered. Until in my head this happened. I decided if he couldn't do that, if he couldn't be faithful and I couldn't ever be more than just some girl, it had to end. As I write this, I am so proud of that moment. In the huge minefield of thoughts that made me feel like I needed him, it stopped. Unfortunately, he took them choices and gave me the one I wanted to hear and yet again I was sucked back in. But not for long, it wasn't long until the negative thoughts came back to me, until I guess the only way to describe it is, I was challenging my thought process. Thinking I can't do this any more, I remember breaking down in the bathroom to my mum saying those exact words. Although dealing with all of that was hard, nothing was as hard as convincing my own mind I could do it on my own and he had to go. This person that was to me, my future, but to everyone else, he was my destruction. In everything else that was going on and bringing me down I thought he was the answer, whilst everyone around me could see he was breaking me more. Unless you've been in that position, that you would give anything to or for someone, you would kill for them, even if it ended up killing you. I can't even begin to describe the feelings, and then after it all, you just let it go. You just say no. I think that day, was one of my hardest in all the bad days. But I can see now that it was the start of where I am today. When things came to an end with him, that thought process was still there. I will have it embedded in me forever that I won't be enough. To this day I fear that about people, I fear that they are ashamed of me, or they are lying to me. I will never be the same person that I was, but with all that in consideration, I will also find it hard to love someone so fiercely. But I suppose that is always the case with your first love. However sad it may be.
To make things even worse, the day I was given my belongings back, the classic break-up scenario, was the last day I saw my best friend too. That was in August. So it was an extremely dragged out process, something I can look at and say was one of the hardest hurdles for me so far. But right now, I can be proud of how far I have come and everything I have going on in my life at the moment. I will be starting university in September to train to be a mental health nurse and I am being supported by my amazing family and my amazing boyfriend. Both are responsible for helping me in my recovery. I am actually being advised to stop my medication this month, I guess it just goes to show that things don't always stay bad. But we have to help ourselves just as much as we long to help others.
Apologies for the terrible writing and how bad I am at conveying my exact feelings, but after all it was year ago! Peace x
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