These past couple of months have been a total roller-coaster! Things really started to pick up in July, I had my pre-course university day which made me beyond excited to begin study and after a year friendless, my best friend returned from Aus. Possibly the most anticipated event of my whole year at that point, making a friendship work over thousands of miles is kinda hard but I cannot even put into words that feeling when you see their face and hug them and just asdfghjkl describes it! On the theme of great things, I went back to Es Cana again, my as I call it, second home. I went there with my wonderful boyfriend and had a lovely week. I find it so hard to explain what Es Cana does to me but it makes me feel so happy and calm, like I can be myself and just relax completely. July was such a good month, a definite peak. I also knew I was returning to being discharged from mental health services in the next few weeks, I definitely felt things were on the up.
Then August came. August 7th, Shep was put to sleep. People say to me its just a pet, its just a dog. Those people are cold hearted. I grew up with Shep, he was my best friend, I cried into his fluffy fur countless times growing up. It's hard to really portray how much of our lives he really was. Shep was like a little brother, I always called him my man and said he was the only one I'd ever need to be happy. We said he'd live forever. Unfortunately that is very unrealistic and obviously his time had come. I can't even begin to describe the heartbreak of losing him. It is no exaggeration to say life just is not the same. It's eerie in our house with no bear whining for fuss or laying behind doors so we can't get into rooms. The house feels so empty without him. As heartbroken as I am and how crushing it is, I may still get upset everyday that he isn't here but depression and grieving are totally different things. I feel like people need to understand this, I don't like people being extra concerned for me thinking I am 'going down hill', I am not. I am just finding life without my best friend hard. People may take that statement as an exaggeration or say I am a loser, but it really is so hard to deal with.
9 days later, 16th August, on her 17th birthday my poor beautiful princess was put to sleep too. As you can tell I am extremely attached to my animals. After having Treacle put to sleep I was beginning to lose faith in good things. Again I had her from such a young age, 3 actually, that I don't remember life without her. And life without her now is odd. Treacle was always my snuggle buddy when I was ill. She was always the naughty cat that ruined things or broke them, or wee'd on them, which sounds horrendous but to me it was hilarious. She was my little princess and just like Shep, I miss her everyday. Losing pets is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. It's not just the loss of Shep and Treacle, its that it signifies my childhood is pretty much coming to an end. I have to grow up and move on with life now.
Last week, despite these events, I was discharged from mental health services, and no longer have the sticky label of having depression. I no longer take tablets, I no longer rely on help to get me through. That day was such a good day for me. Despite how shitty the month had been! One person believes in me, that I can cope and overcome my demons. Being discharged doesn't mean everything is fixed, it just means I can cope with it better now. It is exactly 457 days ago to this day that I sought help, that seems a long time for a recovery but in reality it is not.
In September I will be moving to Cambridge to begin studying Mental Health nursing with the aim of completing and being a registered nurse in 3 years. I am hoping that in that time I can maintain this blogs with the ups and downs of life for everyone, and hopefully use it to vent and prevent relapse. I want to take this time to thank anyone that has supported me in the 457 days, those who have taken the time for a quick chat, those who have sat with me while I have been an emotional wreck and even those people who have been burden by my behaviours. THANK YOU X
Peace out ox
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