Right now is hard, and I'm in a place I don't understand or feel that I should be in. I feel confusingly unhappy, alone and exhausted by life in general. Usually I can place this to a person, often myself and my overall dissatisfaction with myself but for this period of time my feelings haven't come off of the back of negative energy to myself. Instead off of bad physical health and general feeling of growing up and apart from everything that I have had in my life.
I guess everyone has an innate fear of growing up, mine definitely feeds off of my unhealthy habit of over thinking and analysing. People who know me well know there is a plan to my life, one I am so keen to stick to and to even begin to consider deviating from this instantaneously panics me - clammy hands, fast pulse, racing thoughts - probably a little exaggerative to some, but I really am that anal about 'the plan'. Which kind of seems to be falling away from me and is completely out of my control.
My physical health right now is not great, I'm in limbo as ever with treatment for ongoing kidney issues, which are painfully agonising, something I cannot begin to describe. A pain I've never felt in my life, a pain the morphine can't take away - in itself that is so exhausting - but it's also something I cannot do anything about but is affecting my whole life and outlook on life. I cannot do anything for risk of causing pain or for risk of not being able to wee - maybe a case of TMI there but you really don't know how bad that is until you experience it!
Ill health also causes isolation, I don't want to do anything or see anyone or make effort but equally it seems no one wants to do that with me anyway. University is so hard when you can't attend, even harder when placement is essentially and seems kind of impossible right now, raising questions of intermitting, taking a short break or swapping around my year. But messing with my education and career really bothers me. Not only because it deviates from the plan and halts it but because it causes so many issues and affects other parts of my life which rely on it.
I guess I just wanted to write it down to get it out, that I feel so sad and lonely. That sometimes I just want to sleep and not care about the world around me but am also so passionate about my career I am almost terrified that it's all slipping away - as well as my sanity.
It's something hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand what it feels like to feel like you are losing your mind. I can only think of the word overdrive to describe it. Because that's what is happening. I am fearful, paranoid, lonely, angry, sad, unrealistic and exhausted. And to feel all those things constantly is sometimes a little too much, especially when there's no one to help you with it or manage it. My own fault mainly as I don't like to talk to people about feeling so bad, I mean everyone has enough going on in their lives without bothering with someone who is always either sad, anxious or Ill.
I genuinely feel as though I am no fun, I cannot be fun when I am this person. I feel so very unwanted in everyone's lives, which is soooo poor me and melodramatic but feelings don't lie. I suppose I wanted to make myself feel better by airing it out, writing it down makes you feel all the lighter, whether it's only me reading back on this is a few months time.
I always had in my mind that suffering with depression and anxiety would be a one battle war but it's truly not. There are so many battles and the whole of your life is the war. I guess you just have to pray you're the one that wins it.
I don't want my family or boyfriend to read this and feel sad, I know they support me immensely and having Them in my life is so important, I honestly don't know where I would be without them. Tom is truly the most uplifting person I've had in my life, the one person I could truly identify as my soulmate and so annoyingly similar to me that I couldn't imagine life without him. As for my parents, they are certainly crafted by angels and were sent to me by God, I couldn't ask for better to be by my side to help me fight every battle. I love you all so much x
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