In February due to illness both physical and mental, university decided to given me the option of intermission - and by option I mean that was the only option I was given. This is probably one of the hardest things for me to swallow and an event in my life I have truly struggled with over the past 14 days.
In life I have always had a plan and idea, something which I intended to stick to rigidly as anything else I found unnerving. People will always say 'plans never work out' 'everyone thinks like that' there's no way to truly explain to someone who doesn't understand what having a life plan meant, how adamant I was that life was going to be that way and only that way. Deviation from it in thought alone caused paralysing anxiety and now I am having to actually live with the change of plan. It's heartbreaking, anxiety provoking and soul destroying. I can't fully explain my thoughts but a niche amount of people will understand.
Within all of this and being physical I'll my mood has plummeted. Although to most people I would seem fine just a little shut off, I most definitely haven't been. I lost the desire and passion for life, which is the most awful thing to say and so many people will say it is a selfish thought but to feel like going to sleep and hoping not to wake up is an awful place to be. Even worse with someone trying all they can to protect you and hold you together, and feeling no better.
Truly low mood is such a burden. Not only in my life, something I can't shake and something that I know will be a part of me forever - which I hate and is a part of this I really struggle with - but a burden on everyone around me. And I hate that even more. My sadness should not make life a worry for my loved ones and I know it does, there is only so many times I can apologise for that. From the bottom of my heart I am so sorry that I feel this way and am finding it hard to fix it right now.
I am lucky to be looking forward to starting employment again during my intermission to keep me busy and maintain my passion for care. To be lucky enough to have found someone in my life who I truly believe is my soulmate and is striving with every fibre of their being to make me happy and give me everything I have dreamed of in life - a home together, our beautiful pup, a family, I must remember that trudging through this part of life is essential to enjoy all those things in the future. Not only this but there is a beautiful little boy for whom I feel a love I've never felt before that I must stay strong for and keep striving for better so I can always be in his life. But sometimes, people have to know just how hard it is to live.
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